The Conversion of Ann "Nancy" Hasseltine

To her father she was a joy. She was described as cheerful and lively, seemed to have no fear and was a good student and an avid reader. She was given to the entertainment of the day. "I soon began to attend balls and parties of pleasure and found my mind completely occupied with what I daily heard were ‘innocent amusements'...I was surrounded with associates, wild and volatile like myself, and often thought myself one of the happiest creatures on earth." Of course, she had been carefully taught by her mother to pray, not to lie, not to steal, not to disobey her parents. If she met these requirements, she believed she, "should at death, escape that dreadful hell, the thought of which filled me with alarm and terror." So, like the good girl she was, she always said her prayers night and morning and left off playing on Sunday, "not doubting but what such a course of conduct would ensure my salvation." In her teens, however, she began to backslide. She stopped saying her prayers and reading her Bible when she returned at night from a party. At times her conscience disturbed her, but she consoled herself "by thinking, that as I was old enough to attend balls, I was surely too old to say prayers."

But her conscience insisted on asserting itself. The more feverish her activity, and the more successful she was in denying it during the day, the more it filled her with anxiety and foreboding during the quiet moments of the night.

She felt torn apart by her inner conflict. She did not see how she could be a Christian "in the midst of my gay companions," but she did not want to give them up. Her behavior was as contradictory as her feelings. At the (revival) meetings she would sit in the most remote corner of the room so that no one could see her tears. Yet afterwards she would pretend a lightness of heart she did not feel.

Such a masquerade could not be kept up forever. In a little while she had "lost all relish for amusements." She could not evade facing the fact, as it appeared to her, that she "must obtain a new heart, or perish forever."

On a Sunday morning when she was dressing for church, on her dresser lay a copy of Hannah More's popular book Strictures on Female Education. As she idly opened the book one italicized sentence caught her eye: "She that liveth in pleasure, is dead while she liveth." The line jumped out at her so startling that she felt as if an invisible power had brought it to her attention. Though the effect of the warning wore off after a while, she did not forget it. A few months later, reading Bunyan's Pilgrims Progress she was struck by the final impression it left, "that Christian, because he adhered to the narrow path, was carried safely through all his trials, and at last admitted into heaven."

This time Nancy promptly went to her room and prayed for help in leading a religious life. But after the prayer she had no more idea than before what to do to be saved. She finally decided that the correct conduct was to stay away from parties "and be reserved and serious in the presence of other scholars."

But lighthearted Nancy was incapable of keeping any such resolution. The very next day she went to a party. "My religious plans were forgotten; I joined with the rest - was one of the gayest of the gay - and thought no more of the new life I had just begun."

When she returned home her conscience began to reproach her and she knew she would break her resolutions again and since she could not reform, she might as well try to suppress her conscience. "I scarcely spent a rational hour. My studies were sightly attended to, and my time was mostly occupied by preparing my dress, and in contriving amusements for the evening, which portion of my time was wholly spent in vanity and trifling."

On one visit with a professor of the Bradford Academy, who often visited the Hasseltine home, the discussion turned to the manner in which the Holy Spirit works on the hearts of sinners. This was a subject Nancy had never thought about. One thing Satan does, the preceptor remarked, "Is tempt us to conceal our feelings from others, lest our conviction should increase."

All at once Nancy saw how this statement applied to her. Quietly she left the room and went into the garden, where she began to weep uncontrollably. She felt that she was a captive of Satan, who was leading her wherever he wanted.

Later, in reading to an aunt who "was reputed to be strongly religious" she broke down and burst into tears and could no longer hide what was in her mind. She confessed her agony to her aunt and her aunt told her that "if she trifled with impressions which were evidently made by the Holy Spirit she should be left to hardness of heart and blindness of mind."

Having made her confession at last, Nancy's spirits began to rise, "I felt resolved to give up every thing, and seek to be reconciled to God. That fear, which I had ever felt, that others would know I was serious, now vanished away, and I was willing that the whole universe should know that I felt myself to be a lost and perishing sinner."

For the next two or three weeks she secluded herself in her room reading and crying for mercy." To her surprise and resentment she felt worse at the end than when she began. She began to blame God for not giving her peace of mind, and, now that she thought of it, found some additional things to blame Him for, "I could not endure the thought that he was a sovereign God and had a right to call one and leave another to perish."

After a few days in this hostile frame of mind, however, her feelings began to alter as she considered the character of Jesus. She began to think that "God could be just, in saving sinners through him."

She realized that she was beginning to have feelings and desires which were new to her and gradually had a hope that she "had passed from death unto life."

In a short time she had changed completely, "I earnestly strove to avoid sinning, not merely because I was afraid of hell, but because I feared to displease God, and grieve His Holy Spirit. I attended to my studies in school, with far different feelings and different motives, from what I had ever done before. I felt my obligations to improve all I had to the glory of God; and since He in His providence had favored me with advantages for improving my mind, I felt that I should be like the slothful servant if I neglected them. I, therefore, diligently employed all my hours in school in acquiring useful knowledge, and spent my evening and part of the night in spiritual enjoyment." With her conversion, Nancy quickly put on maturity.

Later, when formally requested by Adoniram Judson to "commence an acquaintianship" which meant he formally declared his intentions as a suitor, she wrote in her journal whether she would be able to commit herself "entirely to God, to be disposed of, according to His pleasure," and decided, "Yes, I feel willing to be placed in this situation, in which I can do most good, though it were to carry the Gospel to the distant, benighted heathen."

Excerpted from the book, To the Golden Shore, The Life of Adoniram Judson, by Courtney Anderson, Zondervan 1972, Chapter IX.